Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you

[talking to a frat bro]

Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates

really makes you think 🤔

Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old

Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer

Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t

WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.

My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long

Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long

My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin

Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”

People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”

People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.

Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.

A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-

Robin: you LIKE him!

Batman: omg shut up lol I do not

[two years ago]

me: planet with the rings?

google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia

[now]

me: does italy exist

google: nope.

good work, everybody

CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.

Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.