Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

It’s just a flesh wound…

*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone

TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

This joke is 7 years old

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.

watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices

me: ok, let’s start tomorrow

[next day]

me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home

wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!

‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.

‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.

S M O L

I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me

[First date]

Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.

Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there

Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?

6-year-old: I know all the words.

Me: Good.

6: Just not all the letters in them.

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards

If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.