“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
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My favorite female superhero
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.