Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
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King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.