Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
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Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.