Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today

Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”

Time for evil

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

I have never related to a cat more

Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?

Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?

why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

“you changed” bro i was 15

A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”

[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: is my trunk open?

Cop: no.

Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk

I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.

Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.

There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx

One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings

It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year

Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

Sweet. Free refrigerators!

Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.

Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.

I only say stupid things when I talk.

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.