Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.

You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”

Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.

*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me

Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.

Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?

Hitler

Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.

[olive garden]

waiter: when you’re here you’re family

me: cool can I borrow some money

waiter: please leave

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know

The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed

kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test

I should wash my van
We could use the rain

Husband: How painful is childbirth?

Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.

H: Okay?

Me: Then Home Goods.

H: Alright.

Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –

H: *in fetal position*

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.

The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it

cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me

me: no go away

cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad

“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.