Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
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Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
(more comics:
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Bed should get ready for ME
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?