Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
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Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
lmao
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.