Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
You Might Also Like
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
john wicks are toilet candles
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word