Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.

In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”

No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.

getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process

I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket

“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*

“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers

Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…

Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*

Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

This gonna be me in 2 weeks

Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.

All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

My life in a nutshell

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire

Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.

My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.

ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses