Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

The only good comments section online is on recipes

dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.

Yup.

[APARTMENT KITCHEN]

GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent

[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]

RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die

RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes

I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.

Exhausted Parent PSA-

The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.

A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”

Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no

Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense

[texting]

you mean the wolf to me

-wolf?

ha! autocorrect fail!

-lol

what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me

I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.