Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
You Might Also Like
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
😂🐈⬛
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
orange cat behavior
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”