Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
You Might Also Like
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.