Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
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When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie