Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
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When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Children of the corn 🌽
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Milk Cube
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”