Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
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I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
welp
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Sheep
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Breaking news:
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?