Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
You Might Also Like
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Spider-cat: No One Home
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”
siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”
siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”
siri google “syria where that is”
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
These are so Plastic Man-core
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly