Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.

GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.

My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.

What do you text your spouse?

Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.

Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.

Me: THE drawer?

Wife: Yeah.

Great. There go our Oreos.

Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine

The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?

Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut

No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….

Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo

THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down

Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.

I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin

there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball

I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.

Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..

I hate myself

please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.