Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

I went to the candle store today.

They were having a blowout sale.

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

What I said: No

What I meant: No

What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.

Childbirth is so beautiful

Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.

all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die 😉

i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab

*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!

Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.

I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.

[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?