Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.

Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!

so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.

Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?

[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.

I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.

Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢

Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.

Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.

I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him

My bachelor party always end with a wedding.

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.

the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet

Me: Can you bring me a burrito

Him: you want me to come over?

Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.

[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]

*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.

My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂