Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
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Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
*cough*
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy