Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game

[1st date]

Me: “So, what do you do?”

Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”

Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”

me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain

Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.

Is it because I’m brown??

not hearing back from people right away:

2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.

2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about

[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.

Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!

Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.

Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”

I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.

I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.

I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”

Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.

In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.

What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???

I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

date: so what do you do?

me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall

look scared

How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.

I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.

“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”

I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register

*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.