Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude

3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?

me: they’re lights

3: no I mean the spirits in front of them

me:

me:

me:

3: what’s for dinner

Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it

If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER

Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.

It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.

wut hotdog?

GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.

US: That used to be a Blockbuster.

KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:

[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

Me: beware the clyde of march

Clyde: I’m standing right here

Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder

You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.

[1st date]

Him: Do you like magic?

Her: I LOVE MAGIC

Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]

Her: *Screams*

Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.

School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”

Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no

mobster: *choking me with garrote*

me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol

I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”

My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?

Him: don’t say anything embarrassing

Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby