Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city

Think of a thing.

Theres an e cig flavor for that.

Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?

Californians forget how to drive when it rains

God: send them snow

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure

“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”

-Me, when my husband has a cold.

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?

I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

This is always good for a laugh.

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.

It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into

ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich

I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.