Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.

Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.

Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.

*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions

My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?

Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*

Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.

I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.

I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous

IKEA Manager: Sir.

Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”

Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”

if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat

if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking

If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

In current news:

US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP

Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.

Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.

The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed

Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?

Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”

Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?

Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER

Prisoner: damn that’s cold

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married

My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.

He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”

Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]

Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.