Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
You Might Also Like
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
The jeans are skinny. I’m not
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.