[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
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Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Wedding planning is organized crime.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date