@Phoebetate

Whatever, Twitter makes me a safer driver. Now I stop at every red light, even the lights that I think may change in the next minute or two.

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@Book_Krazy

[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.

M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S

*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”

@badbanana

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.

@LaziestCanine

Doctor: this might hurt a little bit
Me: okay
Doctor: i like you, but only as a friend

@TheRolo

When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.

@skullpuppy11

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

@aksorojas

Hell hath no fury like a teenage girl who perfected her right eyebrow but not the left one.

@thetits

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

@BoomBoomBetty

My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.

@_davidlucas_

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

@TheTalkingPipe

Some people wouldn’t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.