Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
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“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL