Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Can I leave work early?

Boss: Only if you make up the time

Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019

Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times

God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.

Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?

God: Turn its frown upside down.

Angel: That’s not much of a diff-

God: Give it a sideways tail.

Angel: O…kay…

God: Punch a hole in its noggin.

Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently

John Hammond: You have no vision

[Later, everyone is dead]

John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this

A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.

Times are tough, wanna go halfsies on this demon with me?

It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.

When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom

It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.

I’m about to put on a white shirt.

NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?

ME: wow, what a time saver.

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….

I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.

Judge: you’ve been charged with assault

Batman: you mean battery

Judge: no it was physical assault

Batman: *whispers* batsault

I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.

Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.

edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out