“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
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Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
just left a huge legacy in there
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Saturday
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Talking to Europeans about healthcare feels like when you’re a kid and your rich friend shows you his toys.
“Wow you got the ambulance ride AND hernia surgery?? Oh. No, no, not me. I got the Uber and off-brand ice pack. Yeah they said it’s basically as good as the real thing.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)