Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?

You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.

Everyone: Please

Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”

Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.

I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.

Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!

Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about

The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.

*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.

mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?

-my 7 year old making the best of her public education

Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish

WIFE: I’m pregnant

ME: oh god no

WIFE: I’m kidding

ME: I heard you the first time

Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.

I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight

Me: i’m so hungover.

Wife: what do you need?

Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.

Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*

You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.

I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do