whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it
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Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading