Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.

-5 asking for chips for breakfast

In order from least to most stressful:

– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why

I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.

The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.

All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now

Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos

When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.

This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself

I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka

I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.

[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…

Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.

There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.

SISTER: i’m engaged!

ME: awwwwwwwwewwww

SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there

ME: …no

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.

asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?

No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.

Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!

-Me eating Oreos

I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.