Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.

Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

Optimist: The cup is half full.

Pessimist: The cup is half empty.

Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.

Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?

Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Wife: “No.”

*takes pants off*

*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors

judge: please, rephrase the question

yoda lawyer:

Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.

I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!

i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces

customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it

Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?

My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.