“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
You Might Also Like
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought