“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
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My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Thinking about Jeff
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Life hack
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”