Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
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Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
💀💀💀💀
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)