Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.

I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.

Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.

My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.

Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?

HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven

HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?

HER: pizza rolls

HIM: What about—

HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.

At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.

No one:

London landlords:

*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!

[At check-out] *gets out credit card*

Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?

Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.

All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.

Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud

Me: what? What did I do??

Government: wouldn’t you like to know

What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?

exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break

I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:

Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate

Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy

{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}

{whispers} planet shoes

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.

Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.

My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.