Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
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You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant