Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
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[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
That time Alicia messaged me
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
lol
