Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
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“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.