Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times

Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.

5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.

I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.

I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.

Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it

Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!

Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?

We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.

Wife & son backing out in the car,

4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]

4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”

A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.

*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*

*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*

*gets attacked by moth*

*falls off chair*

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.

My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?

*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

I don’t know if I’m just renewing my driver’s license every year or if I’m aging like a store bought banana.

I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.

Professor X: What’s your superpower?

Me: I turn positives into negatives.

Confessor X: Oh.

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt

My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.

This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?