“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
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Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring- because food comas
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
*power walks to the refrigerator*