“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
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I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails