Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
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Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
[standing at urinal]
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)