Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
You Might Also Like
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*