Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad

Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back

What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge

*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.

Clark Kent is such a hipster.

He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.

Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.

me: my father fought in the war

her: which one?

me: I’ve only got one dad

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day