#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
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Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”
siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”
siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”
siri google “syria where that is”
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.