What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
what’s the point then??
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
where’s Godzilla when we need him
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
