What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
💀
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Born to be mild.
