What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
