What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
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[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
handsome & gretel
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
The most important meal of the day is the next one
True freaking story!
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]