Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going

when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie

Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.

Aim at his smartphone.

He’ll die faster.

i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.

“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination

“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”

Cauliflower: *ring ring*

Textiflower: *ping*

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”

Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity

Me: *explains math problem*

Tween: I don’t understand.

Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*

Them: you smell so good what is that?

Me: bleach

sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

Become ungovernable.

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.

MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

who will stop them

👀