Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

*Working at Walmart*

Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?

Me: No Ma’am, they are dead

Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

The first one, obviously

These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?

Me: It’s because…holy shit

Kid: You just ran that stop sign

Me: Shut up give me a second

yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!

cat people: dogs are fine

dog people: cats are sent from the devil

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits

HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

This is still funny.

SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT

Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.

FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.

just arby’s bein’ a bro

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef