What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
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omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Just how popey was the pope today?
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
