What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
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You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
I’ll be mad as hell!
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Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.