Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.

Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS

Me: this a rush song?

Bartender: yeah, you a fan?

Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.

Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget

listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow

Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.

can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦‍♂️ whatever u say gorgeous

how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”

Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out

“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons

Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”

Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.

My kids: What’s a telephone cord?

DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.

I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.

If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.

Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.

Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex

Alex: Having one wife too many

Me: What is bigamy

Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy

So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —

And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out

Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.

Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.

Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.