what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
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Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Sending in my taxes
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics