what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
You Might Also Like
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.