What’s a Messi?
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Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Rest assured?!
Buddy I have young children, the only thing I’m assured of, is that I won’t be resting for long
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
That’s fair
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash