Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.

BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?

BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.

I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.

Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.

Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner

A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.

Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*

Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…

Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.

Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.

guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?

guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should

The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead

What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?

Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?

The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.

My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.

At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”

“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”

“FALSE ADVERTISING!”

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*