What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
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*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
“This cashier is a dipshit.”
– Me at self checkout
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao