What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
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PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.