What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
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Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?
me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.
17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.