What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
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Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.