Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”

Trinity: but why though

Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!

Job interview…

HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.

Her: I’m leaving you.

Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?

Her: Yes.

Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.

If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks

Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.

OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.

PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down

SUBJECT: ok

PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird

kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back

dad: oh god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees

I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.

[God making raccoons]

GOD: I want a goth red panda

ANGEL: so like… a regular panda

GOD: no, make it small

ANGEL: okay

GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting

who will stop them

Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.

You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word