What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
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Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*