What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
You Might Also Like
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
Please do it!
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”