What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
You Might Also Like
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
