What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
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Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.