What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
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A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce