What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
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Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Smooooooth
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.