What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
You Might Also Like
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up