“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
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HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
this could fix me
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?