Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!

If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.

pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.

Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.

I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”

OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋

What, I’m Asian?

*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*

*buys a bonsai tree*

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby

Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”

If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh

The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.

It’s real life horror movie science

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys

Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.

Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?

A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.

I felt a fool.

Everyone else was wearing clothes.

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….

I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.

cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes

boxer: but there’s SO many eyes

mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*

You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules

3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day