What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
You Might Also Like
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Midwest trash talk
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures