What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
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I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!